You beat cancer by how you live, why you live and in the manner in which you live.

I had never thought that someone so close to me would get diagnosed with cancer. This was silly to think that it wouldn’t happen to me, but that foolish thought was ruined about 2.5 years ago. My grandpa Charlie was diagnosed with cancer around the end of July 2017. I remember those few days so vividly still. My dad had told us that grandpa went to the medical clinic that day and was there all day long getting tests done to try to figure out what was wrong. After spending nearly all day in the clinic and in testing, he was admitted to the hospital. We still didn’t know what was wrong, just that there were some concerning things. The thought that it could be cancer passed through my mind, but I quickly pushed that thought out of my head because I didn’t want it to be true. 

The next day we heard that it was cancer. My grandpa had been sick off and on for awhile and had lost a lot of weight, but at least now we knew why. It was difficult to hear the “c-word” but also comforting to know what was wrong. That day and the day after, I remember spending the majority of the time with my family and ignoring my work responsibilities. But at that time, family was the most important thing.

We were told that with treatment he would have a minimum of 3 to 5 years left if the cancer hadn’t metastasized and moved to other parts of his body. Again that idea was shattered after hearing he had cancer in many places in his body: his pelvis, clavicle, spine, and more. As a result of this, we had no idea how much longer we had with him. It literally felt like it was a ticking clock that we had no idea when it was going to go off.

My family took a road trip to Denver for a Colorado Rockies game with grandpa in tow just a few weeks after his diagnosis. We didn’t know how much longer we had with him and were taking every chance we could to make memories. One of the games was especially meaningful for our family as one of their players was making his debut for that year after having beat cancer. We didn’t know ahead of time that Chad Bettis would be pitching that game, but it sure was a tender mercy for our family. Christmas later that year one my brothers got all of us a Chad Bettis baseball card to remember the game by. 

Since we now had a tentative expiration on our time with grandpa, we packed in as many memories as we could. We went to Denver to Rockies baseball games, went to USU basketball games every year, visited as much as we could and everything else in between. I feel very lucky and grateful for the time I was able to spend with my grandpa, particularly in the last few years. He came with us on a trip to Oregon, to the demolition derby at the fair, to  Shoshone Falls when we visited him and my grandma in Jerome. I was very close with him and always loved talking with him and seeing him. 

Every time he saw me, he would say “Hello sunshine!” It made me smile each time he called me sunshine. When he would call me sunshine it made me smile even bigger than I already was. He always had a smile on his face and could easily make you laugh (especially if his favorite song “Itsy Bitsy Yellow Polka Dot Bikini” got brought up). From that silly song he taught me to not take things too seriously. 

That was just one of the many things he taught me. I learned so much from my grandpa, especially growing up just down the road from him, working alongside him on the farm, and spending as much time with him as I did since his diagnosis. He taught me to work hard and be willing to help with anything. To go out of my way to help those around me. To slow down and take everything in occasionally. To be patient for things to happen in your life. To have fun in every situation. To look for the positive in every day. He would say, “Every day is a good day, some are just better than others.”

Since his passing, I’ve seen small hints that he is still with us and with me. These small moments or memories bring a glimpse of happiness to me. One Sunday in church the man leading the music was wearing a Jerry Garcia tie. He had many ties that brand and each of his sons and grandsons had one of those ties for his funeral. (My dad even asked me if I had a Jerry Garcia tie to wear to the funeral to which I said, “No I won’t be wearing a tie to the funeral.”) Recently, I went to visit my aunt, uncle, cousins and grandma. While I was helping my grandma with a few things. There was part of a case of Coke up in the upstairs storage room and a couple of his jackets in the closet. He loved Coke and drank a few a day. He also wore fleece plaid jackets all the time.

In the few months since he’s been gone, I’ve often thought about him. Some days are difficult and I miss him terribly. But I know he will always be watching over me and there for me, just not like he used to. I’m not a Yankees or Mariners fan, but I might follow those teams a bit more now just for Charlie. 

Charlie got called up to the majors in October, but will always be my all star & I’ll always be his sunshine. Run fast & slide in grandpa, you're finally home. I’ll see you again some day. I'll think about you and miss you every day until then.

Stand Out

Many things have been on my mind lately, but one particular night at a baseball game a couple weeks ago something stuck out to me. I watched as people young and old seemed to be dressing, acting, and pretending to be someone or something else simply just to fit in and be like others. Teenagers and people from middle school to college aged are always striving to do the next big thing to fit in. I've seen numerous people around me and some close to me do whatever they could to fit in whether that be liking a certain sports team, buying material possessions, listening to a new popular song, saying the latest slang term or "cool" phrase, and so much more.

In today’s world we are inundated with numerous social media platforms, smart phones, and constantly being “plugged in” to something. The majority of our days are spent in front of screens (I work on a computer all day..), and on those screens are unrealistic pictures and videos that set expectations for all areas of our life - our appearance, vacations we take, friends we have and things we do, material possessions, food we eat and cook, lifestyles we live, workouts we do, and SO MUCH MORE. These expectations are more often than not, beyond what is easily attainable.

Trying to fit in can be a constant struggle especially for younger kids and teenagers, even in college as you are trying to figure out who you really are and where you want to go in life. Once you realize that you are changing what you do and how you act to fit in, stop it. Take a step back and ask yourself why you are really doing those things. If you are changing for the better and not just to fit in, do it! But changing just to fit in is the wrong thing.

We’ve all done various things to fit in with the rest of the world. I admit I have done it. We all have. That can be shown in the sports teams we start to be fans of as part of a bandwagon, how we act to be “cool”, the clothes we wear to be “on trend”, and more. But why do we waste time, money, and energy just to fit in? But what’s the point of fitting in?

No two of us were born exactly alike. Because each of us are different we all bring different things to the table. It truly is what makes the world go round because we all have different strengths and weaknesses in various areas of our life that end up all woven together to create the world we live in.

“I used to hate not fitting in until I realized I was born to stand out.” I’ve had this realization many times over & over through by teenage years of figuring out who I am & what I want to do & need to do with my life. Be proud to stand out & not fit in. I challenge you to not fit in and stand out by being YOU! I’m challenging myself to do that very thing too. Be you. 

I'm Not Falling Behind, It's Just Not My Time

Julissa Loaiza said, “I know people who graduated college at 21, and didn’t get a salary job until they are 27. I know people who graduated at 25 and already had a salary job. I know people who have children and are single. I know people who are married and had to wait 8-10 years to be parents. I know people who are in a relationship and love someone else. I know people who love each other and aren’t together. There are people waiting to love and be loved. My point is, everything in life happens according to our time, our clock. You may look at your friends and some may seem to be ahead or behind you, but they’re not, they’re living according to the pace of their clock, so be patient. You’re not falling behind, it’s just not your time.”

I’m the one who graduated college and has a salary job. I am waiting to love and be loved. I know it isn’t my time for things and that I need to be patient. I’m trying to learn and be okay with the realization that I”m not falling behind in life and certain milestones. I am not falling behind, it's just not my time. It will one day come, just not now. 

(How I feel about being a working adult sometimes)

Since I’ve graduated college & have closed that chapter of my life, I’ve found myself in a very different & weird stage of life. Most everyone my age is still in school. Many are married or dating. I am working full-time, graduated from college, and not in a relationship. I’ve only been graduated for just over two months (it's official now that my diploma has arrived!!), but in that short time I’ve compared myself and where I am at in life to everyone around me. I try not to compare myself to others but how can you not when your life seems so different from everyone else?

There are very few people my age in my situation. I often feel out of place and feel like I don’t belong because I don’t have classes to talk about, don't have many friends to do things with, and am not in a relationship. Even at church and with my roommates I feel out of place at times because it seems I don’t have as much in common with them anymore. Particularly with social media showing the fun things people are doing on breaks from school when I don’t get those breaks from school and usually still have to work on those days. 

My day to day life has changed from attending classes and doing homework to working an adult job with clients. I don’t have homework to do at night (hallelujah!). Rather, I have time to work on things for myself and actually cook more. I have time to learn new things and relax more. Some nights I'm working late to finish projects or get my hours in if I didn't feel well earlier during my usual working hours. I am often at home by myself.

Because I work from home, any opportunities to meet new people or even be around people has changed for me. I work remotely so I don't go into an office and work with co-workers and have that interaction. I don't see people in my classes and on campus like I used to. I don't have the chance to see people as often and meet new people like I used to. 

With all these recent changes in my life with graduating, working full-time, and feeling more on my own, I’m learning to try not to compare where I am at in my life to where someone else is since we are all in such different phases of life. Here’s to enjoying where I’m at in life right now & not comparing my phase to theirs. 

I will keep reminding myself this: "I'm not falling behind, it's just not my time."

Kindness

Kindness has been on my mind more than usual lately. I’ve seen time and time again how “users” comment mean things and criticize others on social media simply because they have a different opinion or misinterpret a picture, caption, or comment that was shared. I’ve also been the recipient of some unkind comments recently. All of this hurts my heart to read and hear just how rude people are.

Yes we are all unique & different. No two humans are exactly alike. We all have our own values and beliefs. However that does not give anyone the right to tear others down. As I was driving a few weeks ago, I was waiting at a stop light. For some reason I looked closely and paid attention to the drivers of other cars. I noticed one in particular, an elderly man, who wasn’t smiling. I’m sure he had something going on in his life. I tried to be kind as best as I could from a distance in my car by smiling at him. I thought to myself how we are each like that, trying to make it through life as best as we can amidst the challenges thrown at us. Not all days are full of sunshine and smiles. Some days are good days where we are happy and other days are hard and it gets taken out on others through our actions. Regardless we all need kindness shown to us on both the good and bad days. Kindness may very well turn a bad day into a good day. 

Oftentimes we all are going through something hard, stressful, frustrating, confusing, whatever it may be. Instead of being unkind because of things we can only see on the outside or simple things we view or read online, we all should be more understanding and not quick to judge. I think it’s safe to say most people are kind to one another the majority of the time. There are a few unnecessarily unkind people, but not many. We just never know what someone is going through and what is going on in their mind. Give them the benefit of the doubt and show kindness to all.

Kindness costs nothing and doesn’t take much effort, yet can make the world of a difference. To a person who is struggling, a few kind words may completely change their mindset for the day. It never hurts to be kind. Try a little harder to be a littler kinder.

The Aggie Family

Family doesn’t just mean those who are related to you. It can mean so much more than that. The Aggie family is one of a kind here in Logan. I tell people this all the time, but one of my all-time favorite things about being a student at Utah State University is that I see at least one person that I know on campus every single time without fail. I often see old neighbors/roommates and friends, people from my home town, old co-workers, and people I’ve come to know and become good friends with from class or whatever it may be. There’s just something so comforting and cool about being on a campus with so many people yet seeing familiar faces so frequently.

The feeling of camaraderie there is here on campus is incredible! With starting college, it can be a challenging time and somewhat scary experience going to a new place where you don’t know anyone. This isn’t to say that the number of students at USU isn’t a lot, just means that I don’t feel like a small fish in a big pond here. I am not just another student here on campus, but rather a member of the Aggie family. The Aggie family grows each semester and has endless room to grow.

Each year I’ve met new people in my classes, maybe at work (Let’s get ready to Crumbl), from mutual friends, roommates, and so much more. I’ve made some of my very best friends in the last few years from this. I truly love being in Logan and on campus seeing all my friends. However, the Aggie family isn’t restricted to just who is in Logan. 

My dad is a member of the Aggie fam and the rest of my family has grown to be part of it too as they’ve become familiar with the school and attended sporting events. The Aggie fam stretches worldwide. Who knows, I may become someone who is on the other side of the world as an Aggie years from now.

It will be bittersweet not being on campus on a regular basis after I graduate college in December. Once an Aggie, always an Aggie.

Dancing On My Own

Ever since high school, I can remember being very independent and wanting to do things on my own. I think part of it can be attributed to the fact that I am the only girl in my family with 6 brothers and often had to do things on my own. I also have struggled with friends and didn’t want to fight with that a lot of the time so I stuck to doing things on my own. Now that I am about to graduate from college, the same theme rings true. I remain an independent person who wants to do it on my own if I can. My independency may also be a result of being single and not in a relationship for a long time. I’ll even admit I am a bit scared to get in a relationship and date because of past experiences and experiences I’ve seen some of my very close friends go through.

(This picture cracks me up & seems to represent the fact that I'm single haha)

I simply am so used to being on my own and “taking care of business” myself that the thought of someone else being in the picture is weird to me. I like being independent. I don’t have to wait around for others or be reliant on them. However, I don’t want to be on my own for my whole life.

Just this last week, I was running some errands and listening to music. The song “Dancing On My Own” by Calum Scott came on. I’m not sure why, but I had an epiphany that I might be dancing on my own for right now and independent, but I won’t be forever. That, combined with a conversation I had with my brother recently about dating and how I need to get back out there and not let the fears I have from the past get in the way and ruin the current and future opportunities.

So here’s to not being afraid of what is to come, but also being okay on my own. A lot of it is out of my control, but I need to take charge of what I am in control of, including not letting the fear of dating or whatever else it might be get in the way.

For the first time in a long time I am not 100% scared of dating and the idea of someone else being in my picture of life. Although I’m shy, I’ll try to start putting myself out there more and letting things happen. In the meantime, I’ll keep dancing on my own and be just fine with that. 

Moving Forward

At the beginning of the semester, I felt like I was getting pulled in 5 different directions and couldn’t do everything that was being asked of me. It seemed like I was failing in so many areas of my life and kept falling behind. This was incredibly frustrating to me for many reasons, but especially because I was not moving forward. I don’t like being idle, but more than that I hate moving backwards.

When we start to move backwards, it seems like its a slippery slope and I fall backwards faster than I realize. A few weeks ago I had the realization that I was falling behind and knew I had to make a change. I put myself first and started taking care of myself. If my cup isn’t full, I can’t help others and fill their cup. Taking care of yourself isn’t selfish, it’s so so necessary. I also re-aligned my priorities and let less important things go. The bottom line is that we can’t do it all. We’d wear ourselves so thin if we tried to do it all.

I reminded myself what was important and what I needed to focus my time on: myself and my health, school, and work. It isn’t great all the time and sometimes I still seem to be failing at the responsibilities I have, but knowing that I’m not trying to do it all makes it easier and less stressful for myself. I can more easily continue moving forward when I have less weight on my shoulders. As long as I’m trying my best and doing what I can, that’s all I can do. 

Moving forward an inch or a mile is moving forward. I am working on those small progresses and constantly going in the right direction and not letting myself fall behind. But at the same time, if I do slip backwards, turning right back around and moving forward right away to get back in the right direction. Here’s to learning more about moving forward in my life

Rose Among Many Thorns

All growing up, my dad would say how I was a “rose among many thorns”. I have six siblings, and all of them are brothers. When I was younger I didn’t always enjoy having all brothers and no sisters haha. In fact, I vividly remember when my parents came home from the ultrasound where they found out the gender of the youngest. They walked in the door and told my siblings and I that it was another boy… I started bawling right away because I was so sad I wasn’t getting a sister once again. After that, things weren’t always peachy keen or easy with so many boys in the house.

Some of my most favorite memories are with my family and my brothers. I love taking my younger brothers to go get ice cream or some other kind of treat. They know they always get to pick the music in the car and we jam out the whole time. I cherish that time and miss doing that when I’m not home and can’t take them on adventures as often. We’ve also made some great memories at sports games and even like a lot of the same teams. Something about watching or being at sporting events with my family makes it better.

Over the years, I’ve had more than my fair share of teasing from my brothers, fights with my brothers, and plenty of arm wrestles and wrestle mania nights. Now, I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love having all brothers (most of the time). My brothers are some of my best friends now and I am so grateful for them and all they do for me. They protect me, are always there for me to talk to, help keep me sane, share in my love of sports, and can make me laugh in any situation. Each one is different and special to me. The oldest is there for me whenever I need it and offers some great advice. The second oldest is so close to me and has helped me in more ways than he knows. The next one has a unique sense of humor and keeps us laughing. Some of our best times are spent in the truck singing along loudly to country music and laughing very hard. The third from youngest is mature and capable of doing so much. He’s one of my faves to play basketball with. The second youngest says whatever is on his mind, even in the most serious situations which makes things funny. He’s also one of the funniest kids I’ve ever met and is never quiet. Finally, the youngest is so sweet and one of my best friends even though he’s 9 years younger than me.

No doubt that having all brothers can be crazy, but I wouldn’t change a thing. I love all my brothers and am almost glad I don’t have any sisters now…

All in all, I’ve been incredibly grateful for my family and my brothers the last year or so as they’ve been there for me more than ever and I’ve relied on them. Family over everything.

Just Peachy

"You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, and there's still going to be someone who hates peaches."

This quote has been circling around and around in my head the last few weeks. I’ll be the first to admit that I can be sensitive at times and take things personally that were not meant to be. (And I’m sure that my family and friends can attest to that.. haha). It can seem like no matter what I do and the things I do, some people out there are still not a fan of me. Yet, that’s okay. 

We aren’t all meant to be best friends. The prime example of this is how we each find our group of people or “tribe” as some call it. The group of people we lean towards hanging out with doesn’t include everyone we have ever come in contact with. I have definitely kept my circle of people I talk to and enjoy being around small. Others have a large circle of people they hang around. That comes down to different preferences for people and whether or not they are more outgoing and social or not. I fall into the latter category of not being as outgoing and social. I’ve also chosen to keep my circle small and not let people who aren’t true friends and are only “fair-weather” friends. In learning from past mistakes, I no longer waste my energy on trying to do all the work in a friendship if the other person isn’t putting forth the same effort. Doesn't mean I'm not the same juicy peach though.

I can still be kind to everyone around me and spread happiness and joy as a "juicy peach". Sure it might come back to bite me in the butt sometimes because I’m so loving. When that happens, it makes me not want to care so much. I’ve tried to not let that make me become bitter, but still stay sweet. But that doesn’t mean we have to hate those we don’t get along with. It all comes down to the fact that we are all different. We are each unique.

But I think as humans, we naturally want to be liked by everyone and be accepted. We desire to feel wanted and cared about by people. We all have an innate need to be cared about and liked by people. When someone doesn’t feel cared about, it gets them down and leaves that need unfulfilled. I challenge each and every one of you who is reading this to do the best you can to be the sweetest human to everyone around you. Keep being just peachy  to each human you come in contact with.

I’m slowly learning and getting used to being okay with the idea of not everyone “liking peaches”. It’s a constant work in progress, but in the meantime I’m going to continue being the same ol’ ripe and juicy peach. 

Keep The Faith

If I’ve learned one thing from the things that have transpired over the course of the last six months or so, it is to have faith in the Lord and His plan. I started looking and applying to summer jobs/internships sometime in March and looked every couple days. Over the course of a couple months, I applied to more than fifty jobs. I only had a couple interviews. And all of that resulted in no job offers.

The week before school ended I had an interview for an internship for a public relations intern. It went well and I thought I had a good chance of getting the internship. However I got a call the next day that I did not get the internship. I was so frustrated since I thought that internship would be perfect for me & I’d be able to stay in Logan where many of my friends would be for the summer. I called my mom in between classes & expressed my frustrations & even joked I’d just hibernate so I wouldn’t have to deal with the struggle of finding a job. I had a few more classes that day & was stressed, frustrated, & annoyed with jobs & final projects. Later that day I got a call about an internship I hadn’t even applied for. A digital marketing company in my hometown needed an intern & my name came to mind when they were brainstorming. I was definitely interested in the job but needed to think about things for a few days.

I went back and forth in my mind over and over about it. The internship was an incredible opportunity: they were willing to help me learn new things, it was in the area of marketing I want to do, and all in all it seemed like too good of an opportunity to pass up. But it was in Idaho, and I wanted to stay in Logan for the summer. I was torn. I talked to one of my good friends and said I didn’t know what to do. He said, “Actually I think you do know what you need to do.  You just don’t want to admit it.” That stopped me and I sheepishly admitted to him that I guess he was right and that I knew what I needed to do but didn’t want to.

I moved home and began working the week after I moved. The first day on the job I was so happy and loved my job. I remember talking to someone that night and telling them that it was only my first day but I already loved it. I still love my job, have learned so much, and met some awesome people at work, but it’s been tough moving home. I figured it would be hard moving home for a few reasons. My brother and some of my friends also told me it’d be hard moving home and tried to get me to stay in Logan. The Sunday after I had decided that I was taking this job and moving home, I had a realization that maybe as much as I wanted to stay in Logan I was needed at home for some reason. I wasn’t sure what that was or what it entailed, but that I simply needed to be at home either for other people or for myself. It has since been made evident to me that I was needed at home to help my family with some things and to meet new co-workers who I’ve become friends with. Now with that said, it hasn’t all been good being home this summer.

I’ve struggled and had a tough time being home. Most days are good, but some are hard, really hard. One night I texted my brother and vented to him and let out all my frustrations while I was sitting on the ground in the dark, crying. I’ve stayed up way too late because I was so in my head and thinking. I’ve complained and vented to people or even talked to someone to just get my mind off things. Through all of this, I’ve kept my faith. Yeah sure, it would have been easier to give up on some things and say it’s not worth it. I could have given up on applying for jobs in Logan soon after I started looking for summer jobs. However, I was determined to keep going and not let this beat me.

A quote from one of my fave shows that has stuck with me is, “Faith wouldn’t be real faith if you only believe when things are good.” Ever since I heard that quote, I’ve clung to it. Back when I was applying for job after job and trying to figure out what I was doing after spring semester, I was praying about what to do and where I should be at. I never got a straight answer about that. What I did get was revelation and thoughts to hold onto my faith and be patient. In sacrament meeting talks, relief society lessons, and institute, the thing that always stood out to me was exactly that: “have faith and be patient.” I even received a few priesthood blessings and in every single one, they said in the blessing something along the lines of blessing me to be patient and trust the Lord.

I can remember three blessings I received. Out of the men who blessed me, only my brother knew about what I was going through and the frustrations I was having. This truly testified to me that I needed to be patient since Heavenly Father was speaking to both my grandpa and my best friend in the blessing about me needing patience and faith. I thought that maybe I’d get a job after applying to a certain number of jobs or that something great would work out and I could stay in Logan. As time went on, I quickly became frustrated and was left wondering what in the world it was that I needed to be patient for and wait for. At times I wanted to yell out to God and ask, “What am I waiting for? What are you trying to teach me? Just what is it??” But nonetheless I kept being as patient as I could and kept exercising faith. It wasn’t until the week before finals and the week before I had to be out of my apartment that something happened and a job worked out. I’m still patiently waiting to see what else is in store. But for now I’m going to keep having faith, especially in the hard times.

Being Content With Where I Am Now

Over the last few weeks I’ve been doing lots of reflecting on where I’m at in life now compared to where I was a year ago, and even compared to where I was a few months ago. I’ve realized that I’m happier & more content with my life. Especially in comparison to where I was a year ago, I’m immensely happier and I like the place I’m in for the most part. I think part of it can be attributed to the fact some things are going better for me and that naturally makes me happier. But I think part of it can also be attributed to the way I handle things and react to what comes my way.

I’ve become more adaptable to situations and go with the flow more. I’ve started to only focus on what I can control, not what I can’t. There's no sense in worrying about things you have no control over. Control what you can control and forget the rest.

One factor contributing to my greater happiness is getting rid of toxic people, thoughts, & unnecessary clutter in my life. The process of eliminating those toxic people can be incredibly hard. Those people used to be some of my closest friends & knew so much about me & I knew so much about them too. It came to a point where my happiness and self esteem was being brought down because of those toxic people. Once this realization occurred, I started getting rid of toxic people and distancing myself from them for the sake and happiness of myself. 

Another part to this is getting rid of hurtful and toxic thoughts in my head. This one can be hard to work on because thoughts come and go and are triggered by so many things. It’s a continuous process that never ends, but it’s so worth it to work on pushing out thoughts that are keeping you from being happy.

I know I still have a ways to go, but I can honestly say I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time & overall life is fantastic. I’m in a good spot right now with some incredible opportunities. Happiness is all around, yet you have to actively make the choice to be happy. Some days are harder to make that choice than others, but don’t give up!! I promise it will be so so worth it to choose happiness & joy over everything else. I've also chosen to be content with my life and where I'm at